A man called home to his wife and said,
"Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a
week and set out my rod and fishing box?
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my
things up"
"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this
sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her
husband asked
The following weekend he came home, a little tired but otherwise looking
good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said,
"Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied,
"I did. They're in your fishing box...."
Wednesday 20 July 2011
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
1. Nuts....my shaft is bent.
2. After 18 holes I can barely walk
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. Look at the size of his putter.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
6. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
7. Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more
8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
10. Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first.
1. Nuts....my shaft is bent.
2. After 18 holes I can barely walk
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. Look at the size of his putter.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
6. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
7. Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more
8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
10. Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first.
Clever Woman
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.
Along comes a Park Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a restricted fishing area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.'
'Yes but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am.' And he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.
Along comes a Park Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
'Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a restricted fishing area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.'
'Yes but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am.' And he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
The Love Story of Ralph and Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have…
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph
suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled him
out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I
have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able
torationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him
there to dry. How soon can
I go home?'
*Happy Mental Health day!*
them to, doesn't mean
they don't love you with all they have…
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph
suddenly jumped into the
deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled him
out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's
heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I
have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able
torationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with
his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him
there to dry. How soon can
I go home?'
*Happy Mental Health day!*
Jet Li and Steven Spielberg
Jet Li walked into a pub in New York with his pal. He says to his pal: “Hey! That’s Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he’ll come over to say “hi”.
Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a punch on the nose.
Li : “Hey!! What that’s for?!”
Spielberg : “You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you
bombed Pearl Harbour!”
Li : “I’m not Japanese! I’m Chinese!”
Spielberg : “Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you’re all the same!”
Spielberg walks back to the other side. Then Jet Li calmly walks over to Spielberg and gives him a really heavy punch on the face.
Spielberg : “Hey! What that’s for….. !?!”
Li : “YOU BLOODY AS***! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!”
Spielberg : “No, I didn’t, an iceberg sank the Titanic!”
Li : “Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you’re all the same!”
Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a punch on the nose.
Li : “Hey!! What that’s for?!”
Spielberg : “You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you
bombed Pearl Harbour!”
Li : “I’m not Japanese! I’m Chinese!”
Spielberg : “Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you’re all the same!”
Spielberg walks back to the other side. Then Jet Li calmly walks over to Spielberg and gives him a really heavy punch on the face.
Spielberg : “Hey! What that’s for….. !?!”
Li : “YOU BLOODY AS***! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!”
Spielberg : “No, I didn’t, an iceberg sank the Titanic!”
Li : “Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you’re all the same!”
Tuesday 19 July 2011
When Mori meet Clinton
A few years ago, Japan’s Prime Minister Mori was givensome Basic English Conversation training before he visited Washington and met president Bill Clinton.
The instructor told Mori “Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say ‘how are you’. Then Mr. Clinton will say,” I’m fine, and you?” Now you should say ‘me too’.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.”
It looked quite simple, but the truth was…
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said “Who Are You?”.
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
“Well, I am Hilary’s husband, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”
Then Mori replied confidently “Me too, hahaha…hahaha…”
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
The instructor told Mori “Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say ‘how are you’. Then Mr. Clinton will say,” I’m fine, and you?” Now you should say ‘me too’.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.”
It looked quite simple, but the truth was…
When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said “Who Are You?”.
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
“Well, I am Hilary’s husband, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”
Then Mori replied confidently “Me too, hahaha…hahaha…”
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
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